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A Nauseous Nocturne
"A Nauseous Nocturne" was a 78-line poem describing a monster stalking Calvin at night, patterned after Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven". It was a piece of original content included in The Essential Calvin and Hobbes at the beginning of the book. It was also on page 201 in Book 1 of The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. Text A Nauseous Nocturne By Bill Watterson Another night deprived of slumber, Hours passing without number, My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay Dripping sweat and now quite certain That tonight the final curtain Drops upon my short life's precious play. From the darkness, by the closet Comes a noise, much like a faucet Makes: a madd'ning drip-drip-dripping sound. It seems some ill-proportioned beast, Anticipating me deceased, Is drooling poison puddles on the ground. A can of Mace, a forty-five, Is all I'd need to stay alive, But no weapon lies within my sight. Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping, Omnious and black, it's seeping Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! Suddenly a floorboard creak Announces the bloodsucking freak Is here to steal my future years away! A sulf'rous smell now fills the room Heralding my imm'nent doom! A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray! Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles! Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! Worse, in terms of outright scariness, Are the suckers multifarious That grab and force you in its mighty jaws! This disgusting aberration Of nature needs no motivation To devour helpless children in their beds. Relishing despairing moans, It chews kids up and sucks their bones, And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads! I know this 'cause I read it not Two hours ago, and then I got The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes. My parents swore upon their honor That I was safe, and not a goner. I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes. In the morning, they'll come in And say, "What was that awful din We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!" Only then will they surmise The gruesomeness of my demise And see that my remains are in a heap. Dad will look at Mom and say, "Too bad he had to go that way." And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent. Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting, That as he was this world quitting, He should leave another mess before he went." They may not mind at first, I know. They will miss me later, though, And perhaps admit that they were wrong. As memories of me grow dim, They'll say, "We were too strict with him. We should have listened to him all along." As speedily my end approaches, I bid a final buenas noches To my best friend here in all the world. Gently snoring, whiskers seeming To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming), He lies snuggled in the blankets, curled. "HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CRETIN! YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?!" (Suddenly the monster knows I'm not alone!) There's an animal in bed with me! An awful beast he did not see! The monster never would've come if he had known! The monster, in his consternation, Demonstrates defenestration, And runs and runs and runs and runs away. Rid of the pest, I now can rest, Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day. The End. Category:Poems Category:Exclusive content Category:Trivia Category:Calvin and Hobbes Category:Tributes, parodies and references Category:Stories